All week I anticipated the worse, after all, I have a wonderful gut; who tends to actually tell me the right things; why? I don't know at all actually, but I'm sure glad I'm stuck with a gut that's always right. Well, that was sarcasm, I'm really not glad I have a psychic gut.
Anyway, I was excited and nervous last night. The car ride up to Kristen was the worse thing in the world. I wound up calling Meghann, I wanted her to calm me down. I remember her words, "no matter what happens, call me, I'm here for you." I remember what I said next, "no matter what happens, I'm calling you."
I guess I expected too much, because I kept playing in my head that, when I pulled up and got out of my car; she would have ran up, and threw her arms around me. However, in the back of my mind, I knew damn well that wasn't going to happen at all. Some how, I still have little hope in everything, when I know I shouldn't. Well, it turns out when I pulled up (after getting lost,) I parked my car. Only to find Kristen and her sister standing by their car waiting for me, as if planned out that way.
I took a deep breath, turned off my car, took one more and walked out. I remember walking up to them, as they stood there by her car. Her sister Meagan greeted me, said it was nice to see me. "Nice to see you again too Meagan," as I said muttering. As her sister walked up the driveway and into her friends house, I looked at Kristen; still expecting her to run into my arms, but only this time she just looked at me. She had no expression on her face, not even a smile. I finally maned up, and asked her what was wrong. That's when the whole thing started, the talk.
She said that it didn't feel like we where in a relationship anymore; that every time she called me (vice versa,) we where out with our friends and didn't talk. I got into it saying, well I don't remember what I said, but it surely wasn't the only thing. As I completely contradicted that whole entire statement. Yes, bad excuse there to use Kristen, but anyway. We got deeper involved with our talk, and it wound up coming down to her telling me many things. "Richy, you're a perfect guy, I don't deserve you." OK, every girl in the world deserves a guy like me, if not better. Especially girls who have terrible past relationships, boys who treat them like total garbage, and as tools to their sexual desires. Sorry, I'm not a boy who wants to treat girls like pieces of lamb chops, or as sexual fulfillment. At this point I was pacing back and fourth in the street, starting to cry. Crying my eyes out as she continued to tell me how great of a guy I am, how perfect I am, and how she can't appreciate me because of the problems she's having. Such as her not being able to handle long distance after all, and the stress of school taking a horrible turn on her. I guess I'm just not worth shooting through all of it with, I apologize, I really really do. I sat down eventually, because pacing back and fourth became a big problem; I could barely stand. I remember her sitting down next to me, and me asking her "did I do something wrong? This always happens to me and I just don't understand it." It got to the point where she literally grabbed my face, and I looked her straight in the eye, and she told me "you didn't do anything." If I'm such a perfect guy, and let's face it, all of you girls want one; why give one up? I know you're young and probably have many things to do at Madison Wisconsin University, but my god; I'm willing to do what ever it takes.
Not the point actually, and with that; it being, I've heard that said to me before. I came out and just said, "hey, I've heard this before, just tell me the truth; what's really going on?" Well, she informed me that she has an eating disorder, and with the therapist she currently sees, she's trying to "figure her shit out," which are her exact words; not mine. She then proceeded to tell me that I will meet another girl, and very soon, who will be able to appreciate all of things I do for her. Maybe I don't want to meet any other girls. I remember telling her it took me two whole years to even find a girl like her, a girl I knew I could get along with, and well for that matter. It might take me another two years to even find some one remotely good, if not better; really. Anyway, she then said "remember the time you and I where sitting on my couch, and I mentioned that I had a feeling we where meant to be?" At this point I replied with, "well yes," as I wiped away tear after tear. She then replied with, "well, I still feel that it could be that way, only time will tell." I remember after hearing that, me telling her that I'm probably going to be another boy that she tells her girlfriends, and future boyfriends; telling them "yeah, this boy I dated was really crazy..." Or her friends saying, "what ever happened with that boy you dated? The Vegan? Jesus, he sounded nuts." Better yet, "God he was really screwed up, wasn't he? Glad you're out of that." Yeah, I can actually feel that happening, we all do it right? No matter how good of a relationship it was. No matter what, I feel as if I'm the lowest, and lowest of the world. I really felt torn up about all of this, as if I had lit cigarettes burned out on my arm. The pain that shot through my entire body, was excruciating. I remember getting up after not talking, and just saying I don't want her to sit out there and freeze anymore; it was really cold.
I stood by my car, crying more, as she stared back at me; blankly. She then came up to me, and hugged me. My arms laid limp, and I eventually got the courage behind my tears, to put my arms around her too. When I did this, I just cried on her shoulder, over and over. I eventually said, "I want you to do something for me. Please, no matter what happens, if you meet a boy who is better than me at all, please let me be the first to know. I don't care if you're worried about hurting me, I want to hear about him no matter what." I really meant it too, all of it. I want to make sure she can find some one else, who will actually treat her much better than me. Who knows if she'll be able to, apparently I'm one of the 10% of real good guys in the world, while the other 90%, are jag offs. Now that I remember, I know I mentioned that she's going to find another boy soon too, but she just laughed at it, and said "I don't want to; I can't handle any of that now." To think now, I would have been done making her dinner, at the time of me writing this of course. I can't even remember all of what was said, and I think I'm leaving important details out, but I can't remember them now; for my mind is a complete and utter blur. I apologize to you readers, I really do; I can't help it now, too much has bitten me in the past 24 plus hours.
I don't know how interpret this whole thing, maybe I really wasn't the problem. However, I know right now I'm still depressed, and might be for a long while. I know what a lot of you are going to comment and tell me; tell me to get over this and it's just another girl, or that there are many out there. Sure, there might be many out there, but every one is certainly different; we all know this. This girl, has not only opened my musical background a bit more, my tastes, my eyes, and certainly heart, that I might not find any one near that; at least not for another two years right? Oh gosh, who knows, I'm already crying writing this out now. I cannot really handle it anymore, and it's getting worse, for I can barely read the screen now as it is.
I'm so sorry that you guys have to keep reading this, for I felt this was the only place I could write back in. This Journal itself has been through a lot. It has housed my many relationships, especially the one that changed my life, years ago. I am so sorry everyone, really I am.
I still have the $30.00 bouquet of flowers I got her last night, sitting on my table with out water, hearing my mother say "what are you doing back with the flowers?" This statement pained me more than anything, first thing I heard walking in the door. She guessed it right today, good mom good mom. I even started to eat the cookies I got up Thursday morning at 6:00am to bake her, purely out of guilt and shame. I took the picture frame of me and her, the one she gave me before she left for school; and I put it away in my closet; hidden from plain view. I took the key chain with our picture in it, and left it on the curb where we sat, along with her key chain given to me as well. Maybe all of this will help, but it's truthfully doubtful at this point.
One day, I really do hope I get at least one more opportunity. Maybe I'll meet her outside of Streets Of Woodfield again, and we can start all over; like we did the first time. Until then, goodbye.